Pain And Understanding
by Apollonia
Summary: The meeting between post-death Buffy and post-Pylea Angel takes place in a very familiar place.


He asked if he could come and see me. He wanted to see me. I guess he must have wanted to see for himself, as if just hearing my voice wasn't enough. It wouldn't have been enough for me. I know Giles thinks I'm crazy for rushing off like this, but I don't care. The world makes me hurt so much right at this second that I'll do anything to make it less. Angel always made the hurt less. Except when he was evil of course, but I won't dwell on that. I can't.

The world is too noisy for me. I hate it. Even whispers are too much, they make my head pound. The world is too colourful, too bright. The sun hurts my eyes. Actually, the world makes everything hurt. I ache constantly from the effort of simply existing. I wonder what possible reason Willow could really have had for bringing me back. Did they really expect me to have ended up in Hell? Do they think that badly of me, or of whoever runs the whole show? Weird, even after all that time in Heaven, I still couldn't give you a definitive answer on who or what God is. All I know now for sure is that it's _good_. When I was there, all the pain I'd gone through before, all the endless fighting, it all seemed worth it. Now I'm back for more, and I don't care. I can't make myself care.

Of course, all this introspection isn't good for me, so I'm going to concentrate on driving. I can't afford to total the car as well. Money, one more damn headache for me. Anything else you want to throw at me? Actually, I shouldn't say that, you never know what might happen. I'm nearly there now. I wasn't surprised in the least when Angel suggested we meet here. It's a Tuesday, after all. I pull into the parking lot, still driving a little fast. There's one car there already, his car. It looks a little more battered than it did last time I saw it. Which, when you think about it, was a long time ago. In his line of business, I'm surprised it hasn't been entirely destroyed by now. Maybe it's as indestructible as he often seems to be.

I'm out of the car now, walking towards the building. My legs are a little wobbly, but then, I haven't seen him for a while. I wonder what his reaction will be. Will he cry, do you think? He's not a big crier, but it's been known to happen. He might refuse to believe it's me. He might just be very cool and collected. That sounds like him. I go in through the side door that I know will be open. The whole place is deserted, but it is a Tuesday. I can hear a swishing sound, and I'm surprised. I really didn't expect that. I turn the corner and see him. It's all I can do to bite my lip to stop from laughing. In all my life, I never thought I'd see the day that Angel put on a pair of ice stakes voluntarily. It makes me smile to see how happy he is. You can always tell when Angel is happy. His scowl is less scowly. Or usually. Right now he's actually smiling. You know the scene in Singin' In The Rain, where Gene Kelly is so happy and in love that he's dancing and singing in a downpour? Where he just can't seem to stop smiling? That's like Angel now. And I have to admit, he's not a bad skater. Then he sees me and is so shocked he falls right on his ass. I can't stop the laughter then, and it trickles out at first as a giggle, then becomes a full blown fit of hysterical laughter. It feels good to laugh. Really laugh. I don't think I've done that since I came back. I don't recall doing it much before I died either.

"Glad to know I'm still good for a laugh." Angel says to me as he gets up. Did he just make a joke? When did he start all that? Anyway, I manage to stifle my laughter as he gets off the ice and approaches me.

"Buffy." He says softly. It's the first whisper I hear that doesn't make my head pound. Instead, it makes my heart pound. I haven't had that feeling for a long time, either.

"Hello." I say, at a loss. What do you say in such situations? I don't think there's much precedent. He smiles again. He really does have a beautiful smile. Then, he comes closer. He's even taller than usual due to the ice skates, and he towers over me. He picks up a pair for me and hands them to me.  
"Come on," He says with a smile. "I'll race you." I smile. How did he know that I didn't want big conversations now? How did he know that what I needed most was to laugh and have fun, to make my whole situation seem less desperate? How does he always know?

We skate, we laugh, we joke, I beat him every time we race. We have a good time, something I hadn't banked on every having again. Life seems less hopeless in our icy cocoon. Then, skating and fun is over and it is time to re-enter the real world.  
"I missed you." He tells me softly. I turn to him.  
"I missed you." I tell him. Then, he hugs me tightly, something I suspect he's been longing to do since I got here. I suspect this, because it's exactly what I wanted him to do.

"Buffy," He says, his voice cracking slightly. "I...."  
"I know." And I do know. One thing Heaven does for you is make everything crystal clear. I do know what he feels, what he felt when Angelus took over, I understand it all, and although hurt and pain and anger remains in practically every other part of my life, there's just understanding and love here. I kiss him on the cheek, very softly and finally he cracks, allowing a single tear to fall down his cheek. Typical. Angel always did have to be stoic. I think it's because he's spent so much of his life alone. I understand all of that now too.

"See you around?" I ask, trying not to cry myself. Here comes the pain.  
"Bet on it." He says, mustering a smile. That wasn't the answer I was expecting. And there's no pain. We're in our shoes now, and we walk out into the night together. Then, we'll go our separate ways. But there's no pain, not anymore. It's a refreshing change.

Now the rest doesn't seem so hopeless. I have Angel, I always did. Just so long as I have that, I can cope with anything.


End file.
